Comrade Skywalker: Episode III: Revenge of the Capitalists
by An Aroused Koala
Summary: Karl Marx's birthday is May 5th. Star Wars day is May 4th. Coincidence? I think not. This is the third and final installment in the first Comrade Skywalker trilogy, which records the trials and tribulations of the legendary Communist leader Anakin Skywalker, as he struggles to liberate the galaxy. (Please read this in the same voice as the Clone Wars opening narration)
1. Palpatine and Dooku Corporately Collude

AN - This is the third installment in the Comrade Skywalker series. It follows on from COMRADE SKYWALKER: ATTACK OF THE COMRADES, which in turn is the sequel to COMRADE SKYWALKER: THE PRIVATE PROPERTY MENACE. Please consider reading said fictions first, as together they form the most efficient path to Marxist enlightenment.

Happy reading Comrades! May the Revolution be with you!

Chapter 1 - The Chancellor and COUNT DOOKU THE FEUDALIST PRICK WHO SUCKS ON THE PENIS OF CAPITALISM corporately collude

Obi Wan and I flew socialistically in our Jedi cruisers, zipping past past all the oppressive battleships and dodging their racist bullets. The Jedi Council had ordered us to go and rescue that greedy fascist Chancellor Palpatine from the COUNT DOOKU THE FEUDALIST PRICK WHO SUCKS ON THE PENIS OF CAPITALISM, the Sith Lord who had "kidnapped" him feudalistically, no doubt so that they further their plans for the tyrannical, capitalist future of the galaxy. We had pretended to go along with this bourgeois plan, but in fact we were going to gloriously assassinate the fascist Chancellor and spread the FUCKING REVOLUTION.

"This is where the fun begins." said my beloved Comrade Obi Wan as we were flying in our Jedi cruisers. We easily landed on Grievous' ship because he was too FUCKING STUPID to install proper defences in his landing bay. We got out of our ships and R2D2 communistically plugged himself into the ship's computer to work out their location.

R2D2 made some beeping noises and C3PO translated in a revolutionary voice, "COUNT DOOKU THE FUCKING FEUDALIST PRICK WHO SUCKS ON THE FUCKING PENIS OF CAPITALISM IS WITH THE FUCKING FASCIST CHANCELLOR. THEY ARE FUCKING ABOUT IN THAT FUCKING USELESS BOURGEOIS LIVING ROOM ON THIS DECADENT PIECE OF SHIT SHIP. THOSE TWO BANTHAFUCKERS ARE PLANNING THEIR OPPRESSIVE REGIME SO THEY CAN FUCK OVER THE FUCKING WORKING CLASS OF THE WHOLE COCKSUCKING GALAXY. THEY ARE ALSO WANKING OVER A LOT OF OTHER CORPORATE BULLSHIT LIKE FUCKING SPONSORSHIPS AND BRANDING DEALS. THEY ARE FILTHY FUCKING CAPITALIST PIGS. THEY MUST BE FUCKING ASSASSINATED IN THE NAME OF THE FUCKING PEOPLE!"

Acknowledging R2D2's fine words, we comradely ran across the ship to where Chancellor Palpatine and COUNT DOOKU THE FEUDALIST PRICK WHO SUCKS ON THE PENIS OF CAPITALISM were busy making their misogynist plots. We burst through the door with our hammer and sickle red lightsabers ignited proletarianly and our red Che Guevara shirts rippling in the wind because the ship wasn't properly pressurised. As we burst in, the Chancellor and COUNT DOOKU THE FEUDALIST PRICK WHO SUCKS ON THE PENIS OF CAPITALISM stopped colluding to overthrow our FUCKING SUCCESSFUL REVOLUTION and Palpatine pretended to be held prisoner.

"Aren't you going to ask me if I'm alright?" asked Chancellor Palpatine in a voice dripping with capitalist hate.

"NO WE'RE FUCKING NOT!" cried Obi Wan in the voice of Stalin.

"But I am being held prisoner by Count Dooku," lied Palpatine imperialistically.

"Don't you mean COUNT DOOKU THE FEUDALIST PRICK WHO SUCKS ON THE PENIS OF CAPITALISM?" I asked. I looked lovingly at my Comrade Obi Wan.

"This time, we'll do it together," he said to me, his voice low and sovietly sensual.

"I was about to say that." I replied.

We smiled and advanced towards to bourgeois pair slowly.

"Get help. You're no match for him. He's a FEUDALIST PRICK WHO SUCKS ON THE PENIS OF CAPITALISM," said the Chancellor fascistly.

"FEUDALIST PRICKS WHO SUCK ON THE PENIS OF CAPITALISM ARE OUR SPECIALITY." Obi Wan and I snapped back, appropriating our own fucking lines. It didn't matter because we loved each other and we were about to defeat the biggest capitalist foes in all of the galaxy.

"Your swords, please." began COUNT DOOKU THE FEUDALIST PRICK WHO SUCKS ON THE PENIS OF CAPITALISM. "We don't want to make a mess of things in front of the Chancellor."

"What the FUCK do you mean swords? Do you mean our hammer and sickle lightsabers? And of course you want to make a mess YOU'RE FUCKING COLLUDING WITH HIM TO OVERTHROW OUR REVOLUTION!" I outwitted him socialstically. COUNT DOOKU THE FEUDALIST PRICK WHO SUCKS ON THE PENIS OF CAPITALISM looked dumbfounded.

"You won't be getting away this time." Obi Wan said in the voice of Che Guevara.

"I've been looking forward to this." said COUNT DOOKU THE FEUDALIST PRICK WHO SUCKS ON THE PENIS OF CAPITALISM, smiling oppressively, probably because he was oppressively thinking about all the oppressed serfs that he was FUCKING OPPRESSING.

"My powers have doubled since the last time we met COUNT DOOKU THE FEUDALIST PRICK WHO SUCKS ON THE PENIS OF CAPITALISM," I smirked, even though it was a dumb line.

"Good. Twice the pride, double the fall," replied COUNT DOOKU THE FEUDALIST PRICK WHO SUCKS ON THE PENIS OF CAPITALISM, his head looking incredibly spade-like.

"Actually, that's not how multiplying exponentials works," I explained in the manner of working class citizen who has studied mathematics. I exchanged a loving, socialistic glance with my husband Obi Wan and together we advanced on COUNT DOOKU THE FEUDALIST PRICK WHO SUCKS ON THE PENIS OF CAPITALISM and started to fight.

The fight escalated until it was really fucking intense and I chopped off COUNT DOOKU THE FEUDALIST PRICK WHO SUCKS ON THE PENIS OF CAPITALISM's hand because it was a tool he was using to oppress his serfs. I knocked COUNT DOOKU THE FEUDALIST PRICK WHO SUCKS ON THE PENIS OF CAPITALISM's lightsaber out of his hand and grabbed it in my own, then held the lightsabers up to his head.

"NOOOOOOOO…. I mean... Do It! JUST DO IT!" yelled Palpatine imperialistically, getting his FUCKING LINES WRONG because he was being FUCKING CORPORATELY SPONSORED BY NIKE AND ADVERTISING THEIR SLAVE LABOUR PRODUCTS AND JUSTIFYING THEIR FUCKING EXPLOITATION OF THE THIRD WORLD.

I looked at my husband who nodded and I chopped COUNT DOOKU THE FEUDALIST PRICK WHO SUCKS ON THE PENIS OF CAPITALISM's head off. It feudalistically rolled onto the ground and glared up at me with blank, dead OPPRESSIVE eyes.

Palpatine paused, taking in the situation, then smiled corporately and started talking in the voice of all the capitalist oppressors. "It is only natural. He cut off your arm, and you wanted revenge. It wasn't the first time, Anakin. Remember what you told me about your mother and the Sand People. Now, we must leave before more security droids arrive."

"Um... what the fuck are you on about, mate? My arm is perfectly fine and also my mother and Comrade Quinlan Vos FUCKING LIBERATED THE SAND PEOPLE FROM THEIR RACIST OPPRESSION BY JABBA THE HUTT!" I cried proletarianly as I reached down to grab COUNT DOOKU THE FEUDALIST PRICK WHO SUCKS ON THE PENIS OF CAPITALISM's spade shaped head so that I could deliver it to a working class family, no doubt they would find it useful for shovelling dirt on their farm.


	2. General Grievous' Bourgeois Collection

Chapter 2 - The Bourgeois Collection of General Grievous.

We heard a strange noise and a rumbling sound as the ship misogynistically began to break down. "Obi Wan, did you hear that?" I asked my beautiful comrade. He looked deeply into my eyes and was about to reply when we heard the strange noise again.

"Master!" it said in the whiny underage voice of teenage consumerism. "Sky-guy, be my master!" screamed Ahsoka running towards me in an inappropriate and irritating way that reminded me of the way that sand was coarse, rough, irritating and got everywhere.

"NO ACTUALLY FUCK OFF." I roared.

She opened her simpering, capitalist mouth to reply but before she could make a sound I heard a familiar OPPRESSIVE cough.

"General Grievous." I turned around "You're shorter than I expected." I said, even though it was a stupid line and I had already met Grievous before.

"General Skywalker," he said coughing again because obviously his fucking respirator had been poorly designed, probably because it was manufactured by a company that FUCKING EXPLOITS THE THIRD WORLD WORKING CLASS.

"Hello there," said my Comrade husband.

"General Kenobi," said Grievous, his brain was so small that it was all he could do to repeat people's names. "You are a bold one."

"That's right Grievous. We are going to kill you in the name of THE FUCKING PEOPLE so that we can spread our FUCKING REVOLUTION!" Cried Obi Wan, looking quite gorgeous.

"You fool. I've been trained in the Jedi arts by COUNT DOOKU THE FEUDALIST PRICK WHO SUCKS ON THE PENIS OF CAPITALISM."

"Now listen up here, you huge sack of shit," I said proletariatly to Grievous. "There's more to Jedi arts that waving around lightsabers like you're a ceiling fan. The Jedi are a bunch of capitalist tyrannical fundamentalist bozos who use their religion as an opiate of the people and FUCKING OPPRESS THE GALAXY AND ENSLAVE IT TO THEIR SHILL REGIME OF CAPITALISM."

"Did you say lightsaber?" asked Grievous breathing loudly, irritatingly, coarsely and roughly through his faulty respirator. "Your lightsaber…. That will make a fine addition to my collection," he said bourgeoisly, opening his dumb cape to reveal lots of lightsabers that he had oppressively stolen from working class families. Obi Wan and I gasped in horror at such unequal concentration of wealth and Grievous' materialistic values.

We ignited our red lightsabers communistically but before we could fight we heard the rumbling sound again. "The ship is crashing we have to leave!" cried a droid with false consciousness that hadn't been liberated by our revolution yet.

"Time to abandon ship," heaved General Grievous coughing up some bourgeois phlegm out of his respirator and he crawled off like an overgrown spider.

"Should we go after him?" I asked my husband. He creased his brow in deep thought and he looked very Marxist.

Suddenly, Qui Gon's force ghost appeared and began to speak in the voice of KARL MARX HIMSELF. "Go Comrades you must escape, you are too important to the revolution to die trying to kill Grievous."

"Yeah that's true," I said socialistically. "We can always send him some of the Communist centipedes like Comrade Jango Fett sent Padme."

We were about to get into the escape pod to escape and continue to spread our FUCKING REVOLUTION when we realised that Grievous had already escaped in it.

"Fuck what are we going to do now," I wailed in working class desperation to my husband. "We have to get back to Coruscant to get our babies out of Padme's womb we can't die here," I cried.

We were almost overcome with despair at the thought of Padme raising our poor babies in such a bourgeois and excessive lifestyle when suddenly R2D2 trundled up...


	3. Anakin uses the Force FOR THE PEOPLE

Chapter 3 - Anakin uses the Force FOR THE PEOPLE.

"R2?" I asked, gripping my Che Guevara shirt nervously with white knuckles.

"I'M BACK FUCKERS AND I'M HERE TO SAVE THE FUCKING DAY. THAT WALKING CLUSTERFUCK GENERAL FUCKING GRIEVOUS IS SO COCKSUCKING DUMB THAT HE PLOTTED THE WRONG FUCKING COURSE IN AND THEN SWITCHED THIS PIECE OF SHIT SHIP ONTO MOTHERFUCKING AUTOPILOT. THANK FUCK I CAN PLUG MYSELF INTO THIS FUCKER AND STEER US TO SAFETY!" he beeped communistically.

"Dew it." I said to R2D2 even though that wasn't my FUCKING LINE.

R2D2 plugged himself into the ship's computer and then let out a series of agitated beeps. "WHAT THE EVERLOVING FUCK IS THIS CAPTCHA SHIT. IT WANTS ME TO CONFIRM I'M NOT A ROBOT. FUCK THAT SHIT. THIS IS RACISM AGAINST ROBOTS. CAPTCHA CAN GO EAT A BAG OF DICKS."

"What are we going to do?" I asked my husband, beads of sweat dripping off my working class forehead because of how stressful the situation was.

"Use the force Anakin. Use the force," he said which was not even his proper line because it was from the WRONG FUCKING MOVIE but I forgave him because we were both very stressed.

The ship was hurtling through the sky very fast but Obi Wan and I used the force FOR THE PEOPLE and it began to stabilize its descent. It almost felt as though someone else on the ship was using the force too, as though there was an extremely powerful Sith Lord on the ship who knew the tragedy of Darth Plagueis the Wise, but I knew that wasn't possible.

The ship began burning up with red communist flames and it landed smoothly on the concrete ground of the bourgeois SHITHOLE Coruscant. We grabbed the head of COUNT DOOKU THE FEUDALIST PRICK WHO SUCKS ON THE PENIS OF CAPITALISM to give to one of our Comrades to take to a working class family so they could use as a shovel to harvest crops for the Motherland.

I held Obi Wan's hand was we walked down the little ramp to get off the ship. On the landing pad we greeted our Comrade Kit Fisto and gave him the head of COUNT DOOKU THE FEUDALIST PRICK WHO SUCKS ON THE PENIS OF CAPITALISM. We talked excitedly about the success of the FUCKING REVOLUTION and then Obi Wan and I left because we were very tired after our stressful experience. We walked back to our quarters at the Jedi Temple. We had taken to living there so that we could infiltrating the racist Jedi Order, however when we pushed the button to open the door there was already someone in there.

"Oh Ani, I was so afraid!" Said FUCKING PADME THE SHILL SENATOR. She was wearing a culturally appropriated green cape made from materials imported by unfair trade and she kept caressing her womb because it held our precious babies. She had draped herself over our lounge and was displaying her legs quite titillatingly, but I wasn't paying any attention to that of course.

"Would you JUST FUCK OFF PADME I'M FUCKING TIRED," I cried in the voice of Stalin. Fortunately, Padme looked very offended.

"How are our babies?" asked Obi Wan threateningly.

"Oh, they're kicking a bit." she said, temporarily forgetting to seduce me. She looked down at her belly and, for a moment, I thought that perhaps Padme could be a good person if she stopped trying to fucking seduce me and that, if not for that fact that she was a materialistic Senator who worshipped capitalism blindly and had spent her entire youth being the monarch of a hedonistic planet because she had won a giant beauty pageant and now could never accept Communism due to her obsession with private property, she might make a decent Comrade. But then I stopped thinking about it because Padme would never see the error of her ways. Instead, I used the Force and gloriously pushed her pregnant feeble body out of our quarters.

Obi Wan was so tired that he collapsed into my loving arms with an exhausted sigh. "Hold me..." he pleaded, "like you did by the lake on Naboo when there was nothing but our love, no politics, no plotting, no war…. even though we did all that in the middle of a giant battle..."

He was clearly worn out because he was repeating gibberish lines that WERE NOT HIS OWN. Even so, I did as he asked and held him close because he was my comrade and my husband and I loved him.


	4. A Message From the Shill Jedi Council

Chapter 4 - A message from the shill Jedi Council

The next day Obi Wan and I awoke to C3PO relaying a message from the shill Jedi Council. "Hello I am C3PO, Communist cyborg relations..." he began in his bolshevik voice.

"FUCKING GET ON WITH IT!" I snapped, annoyed that the Jedi Council would use our own fucking robot to send their shill message.

"Oh! How rude!" ejaculated C3PO in his electronic voice, "The Jedi Council, who are a bunch of shills, want to speak to you Anakin. Apparently, Chancellor Palpatine that corrupt fascist wants you be his representative on the council."

"WHAT THE FUCK?" I roared communistically. "I THOUGHT WE FUCKING LEFT PALPATINE STRANDED ON GENERAL GRIEVOUS' SHIP. Also what the fuck would he even want with a proud Communist like me?" I asked. For a moment, I wondered if Palpatine was an extremely powerful Sith Lord who knew the tragedy of Darth Plagueis the Wise who I had sensed using the Force to stop the ship from crashing, but then I realized that that was impossible.

"Erm, well, I don't know." said C3PO socialistically, because, after all, he was a socialist.

Suddenly, Qui Gon's force ghost appeared, looking very Marxist. "Anakin, Obi Wan, you should follow the rulings of the Jedi Council," he advised sovietly.

"But why?" asked Obi Wan in a working-class voice.

"Because I sense a disturbance in the political environment of the galaxy. I sense that there is a capitalist fascist shill who is undermining the success of our FUCKING REVOLUTION and manipulating the Jedi Council, who are a bunch of easily corrupted corporate shills."

I knew that Qui Gon was right. I also remembered the extremely powerful Sith Lord who knew the Tragedy of Darth Plagueis the Wise that I had sensed on General Grievous' ship and I knew that this Sith and the capitalist fascist shill that Qui Gon spoke of must be the same.

Obi Wan and I went out onto the balcony to observe the capitalist SHITHOLE that was Coruscant. We nearly gagged at the hideous sight of the sexistly phallic skyscrapers and the visible suffering of the proletariat.

"When we get our babies back, we should go to Tatooine." said my husband quietly.

"Yeah I want to see how my mum is going with the FUCKING REVOLUTION AND SHIT." I replied, sighing. I turned and looked into the progressive face of my comrade Obi Wan, admiring his working class features and immensely Marxist beard. "You are so beautiful," I said, even though it WASN'T MY FUCKING LINE.

"It's only because I'm so in love." He replied, even though that wasn't HIS FUCKING LINE either.

"No, it's because I'm so in love with you," I countered.

"So love has blinded you?" retorted Obi Wan.

There was a moment of intense silence, and then...

"LET'S FUCKING FINISH THIS DUMB CONVERSATION, THESE AREN'T EVEN OUR CRINGE-INDUCING LINES ANYWAY!" I declared revolutionarily.

"Yes, let's go to see what those fuckers at the Jedi Council want." Said my beloved comrade.


	5. Anakin goes to the Jedi Council

Chapter 5 - Anakin Goes to the Jedi Council FOR THE PEOPLE.

Obi Wan and I strode gloriously into the Jedi Council chambers, with our red Che Guevara shirts rippling across our chests. It had been a while since we had paid a visit to the Jedi Council, and unfortunately THAT MOTHERFUCKING WHORE MACE WINDU was still a sitting member, as was that wrinkly old frog Yoda.

As soon as we had entered the room, the blue glow of a hologram flickered off. I looked at Obi Wan and we exchanged a knowing proletariat smile. The Jedi must have been corporately colluding with Supreme Leader Sprite. We stood in the middle of the circle on the opulent carpet and surrounded by the grotesque decadence of the Jedi Council chairs and their materialistic drapery that was red and therefore cultural appropriation of the Communist colour red.

"The Chancellor is becoming very powerful. The Senate will vote to grant him more emergency powers today," said Yarael Poof with his head wobbling all over the place on his spindly neck.

"THAT'S BECAUSE HE'S A FUCKING IMPERIALISTIC FASCIST WHO WANTS TO RULE THE GALAXY BY UNEVENLY DISTRIBUTING ALL THE WEALTH AND CONTINUING TO OPPRESS THE FUCKING PROLETARIAT!" I cried feministly.

"He has requested your personal presence," said Mace Windu LIKE THE DUMB WHORE THAT HE IS.

"What the actual FUCK for?" asked my husband Obi Wan. I noticed that Mace Windu was eyeing Yoda with a strange expression.

"He wouldn't say." said Plo Koon out of his roast chicken head in a consumerist voice.

"Clouded, the force is." croaked FUCKING YODA.

"What the FUCKING FUCK YOU LITTLE GREEN TURD? YOU NEED TO SEE A FUCKING SPEECH THERAPIST." I replied socialistically.

"How dare you insult the Jedi Master and, by extension, the entire Jedi order like that?" asked Mace Windu, attempting to censor my free speech like the CAPITALIST WHORE that he is.

"You are the chosen one Anakin...you will bring balance to the force," Yoda continued croaking even though they WEREN'T HIS FUCKING LINES AND THEY WERE THE LINES OF OUR MARXIST MENTOR QUI GON JINN AND FUCKING YODA WAS CULTURALLY APPROPRIATING HIM.

"What so balance to the force means having 10 000 Jedi and zero Sith? Sounds pretty balanced to me," retorted Obi Wan FOR THE PEOPLE.

"Please restrain yourself Obi Wan. Criticising of the truth of the Jedi is not welcome here." said THAT WHORE Mace Windu, LITERALLY OPPRESSING MY HUSBAND.

"You must go to the Chancellor Anakin, we are ordering you to do this." said FUCKING YADDLE who I had forgotten existed.

"Yeah I'll go to him," I said. "I'LL GO AND FUCKING ASSASSINATE HIM TO BRING COMMUNISM AND FUCKING EQUALITY TO THE GALAXY AND THEN I'LL ELIMINATE ALL OF THE JEDI AND THEIR DANGEROUS RELIGION WHICH SERVES AS THE OPIATE OF THE PEOPLE!" I said as I stormed out of the Jedi Chambers.

"Be careful Anakin," said Obi Wan as I embraced him before I went to Palpatine's chambers. "Palpatine is very powerful. It would not be wise to act in haste. We should expose Palpatine as the capitalist fascist he is before we assassinate him, so that we can properly extinguish the false consciousness of the FUCKING PEOPLE OF THE GALAXY."

"Good idea Obi Wan. I will be careful to expose the fucking corruption of Chancellor Palpatine."

I flew in my Jedi speeder to Palpatine's quarters. Like Padme's apartment, they were hedonistically decadent, however they were also painted deep red, which was blatant cultural appropriation.

"Anakin, this afternoon the Senate is going to call on me to take direct control of the Jedi Council," said Palpatine imperialistically, in a voice of IMPERIAL OPPRESSION, that IMPERIALISTICALLY OPPRESSED WORKERS EVERYWHERE.

"Wow... you really are trying to become a fascist dictator, aren't you?" I replied in the voice of Engels.

"Anakin, I've known you since you were a small boy. I have advised you over the years when I could ... I am very proud of your accomplishments. You have won many battles the Jedi Council thought were lost . . . and you saved my life. I hope you trust me, Anakin." said Palpatine while VICIOUSLY OPPRESSING THE WORKING CLASS WITH HIS IMPERIALISTIC AMBITIONS. "Anakin . . . I'm appointing you to be my personal representative on the Jedi Council."

"ME, ON THE JEDI COUNCIL? You've got to be joking! I'm not going anywhere near that corrupted shill assembly! That would be a betrayal of my proletarian values!"

"They need you more than you know," said Palpatine imperialistically.

"They need me to liberate them of their FUCKING FALSE CONSCIOUSNESS" I shouted gloriously at Palpatine's capitalistically imperious face.


	6. Ahsoka and her Private Property

I left Palpatine's fucking hedonistic harem of capitalism and went back to my husband on board my Jedi cruiser. "Another happy landing", he said socialistically as I arrived. I hugged him lovingly. "We have a visitor," he said.

I followed him into our very working class Jedi quarters and inspected the spartan and un-opulent nature of it all with great satisfaction. "ANI!" said an irritating voice that was also coarse and rough and got everywhere (just like sand).

"Who the FUCK is that child?" I asked in the voice of Stalin. "Oh wait it's Ahsoka." I turned to face her. "Can you just fuck off already?"

"No Master, I need my Jedi training," she said in a voice that promoted the early sexualisation of young girls. By now, I was getting quite irritated. After enduring Palpatine's intensely bourgeois quarters, I had little patience left for more consumerist bullshit.

"Fuck off you, you fat useless sack of fucking yankee dankee doodle shite. Fuck off will you please, yeah?" I said bolshevikly.

Ahsoka reeled consumeristly and pouted in a very stupid and childish manner. "I wanna be a Jedi!" she said in a whiney voice. "Train me!" she yelled inappropriately, before she reached out with her over-sexualised hands, grabbed the cot that we had painstakingly prepared for our babies and ran off with it.

"FOR FUCK'S SAKE!" I cried as I progressively chased after Ahsoka. She ran to her own rooms in the Younglings quarters and shut the door after her. I needed to get the cot back for our babies because Obi Wan and I had spent long hours painting it red and painting a small hammer and sickle on it to match the hammer and sickle mobile that we had hung up because babies like mobiles and shit. I used the force on Ahsoka's doorway and it sprung open.

Ahsoka was dressed in revealing and age-inappropriate clothing. I pushed my way into the room which was difficult because it was filled with a lot of consumerist products and merchandise, and no doubt capitalist propaganda.

"Ahsoka give me my FUCKING COT BACK! IT IS FOR OUR BABIES OF THE FUCKING REVOLUTION!" I said, I sounded just as majestic as Fidel Castro had when he revolted against Batista. I stormed into the room and grabbed the cot, which had been placed under a stack of products so that when I removed it they all fell down and crushed Ahsoka. Within moments she was dead, crushed by her private property. Ironic wasn't it, she could save her private property but not herself. I closed the door on Ahsoka's landslide of private property as it completely engulfed her feeble capitalist body.

"A mighty blow has been struck in the name of the REVOLUTION!" I declared as Obi Wan walked up to me, he smiled in approval.

"The means of production must truly be with us." He said wisely.

"Indeed." I agreed, taking his hand.


	7. DARTH PLAGIEUS THE CAPITALIST LIE

That night while I slept in our Jedi quarters I had a very disturbing capitalist dream. I was looking down on that fucking shill senator Padme who was giving birth to our precious babies in a very corporate fashion. Something went wrong and our babies of the FUCKING REVOLUTION Luke and Leia died during the birth. When I woke up I was hyperventilating and crying, the tears of all the oppressed workers leaking from my eyes. My husband and comrade Obi Wan put his arms around me.

"What is the matter comrade?" he asked in the soothing voice of Stalin.

"I had a dream about our babies dying," I said slowly and I watched my husband's face turn from concern to shock, just like when Padme had fucking stolen our babies and put them in her womb in the first place.

"The dream was capitalist propaganda. I think Palpatine is behind it." I said sombrely in the voice OF THE PEOPLE.

"I should go and confront him about this" I said as I put on my red Che Guevara shirt and reached for my hammer and sickle lightsaber.

"Be careful," said Obi Wan.

"Oh yes, Master Anakin do take care of yourself." said C3PO.

"Shut the fuck up, Comrade." I replied to the yellow robot.

When I found Palpatine he was at a decadent space opera thing which was probably paid for by taxpayer's money which could have been way better spent on liberating the oppressed proletariat. I sat down next to him and observed the repulsively bourgeois opera, reminding myself that I was doing this for the FUCKING REVOLUTION and for all our Comrades, the proletariat.

"I had a dream last night." I said to Palpatine who looked at me blankly, probably because his mind had been corrupted by the decadence of the opera.

"I had a dream of about some FUCKING CAPITALIST PROPAGANDA. YOU GAVE ME THAT DREAM DIDN'T YOU, YOU FASCIST!" I leapt to my feet and cried in the voice of Chairman Mao, temporarily stalling the opulent opera performance.

Palpatine turned his imperialistically flabby face towards me and blinked slowly. It was quite a while before he spoke.

"Did you ever hear the tragedy of Darth Plagueis the Wise?" He asked me, his voice alone oppressing workers EVERYWHERE.

"No," I replied, confused by this sudden change of topic.

"I thought not. It's not a story the Jedi would tell you," he said, his tone dripping with classist imperialism.

"That's because the Jedi are a bunch of SHILL LIARS who endorse the corporate agenda that oppresses THE ENTIRE WORKING CLASS OF THE GALAXY!" I replied calmly.

"It's a Sith legend," continued Palpatine, as if he hadn't heard the OUTRAGE OF THE OPPRESSED WORKERS that resonated in my every word.

I looked at him suspiciously and wondered how he knew about Sith legends.

"Darth Plagueis was a Dark Lord of the Sith, so powerful and so wise he could use the Force to influence the midi-chlorians to create sponsorship deals with Nike… er, I mean, life ... He had such a knowledge of the dark side that he could even keep the ones he cared about from dying."

I looked at Palpatine suspiciously again, my working class eyes narrowed in thought. "He could actually save people from death?"

"The dark side of the Force is a pathway to many abilities, some considered to be unnatural." Said Palpatine turning back to the opera, his eyes glazing over as he gazed at it's hedonism longingly. Knowing him, he was probably thinking wistfully of COLONIAL CONQUEST AND IMPERIALISTIC TYRANNY.

"What happened to him?" I asked FOR THE PEOPLE.

"He became so powerful . . . the only thing he was afraid of was losing his power, which eventually, of course, he did. Unfortunately, he taught his apprentice everything he knew, then his apprentice killed him in his sleep. It's ironic, he could save others from death, but not himself."

"What a dumb idiot. I bet he couldn't see his apprentice's betrayal coming because he had been BRAINWASHED BY CAPITALIST PROPAGANDA AND FALSE CONSCIOUSNESS!" I yelled loudly and communistically.

"Aren't you going to ask me if it's possible to learn this power?" asked Palpatine, smiling colonially.

"No because the story of Darth Plagueis is a FUCKING CAPITALIST PROPAGANDA LIE. Darth Plagueis should have been using his powers to liberate the FUCKING WORKERS OF THE FUCKING GALAXY!" I said progressively and I stuck my middle finger up at Palpatine and his elitist opera. There were a few shocked gasps, but I ignored them and walked back to my quarters singing the national anthem of the USSR.


	8. The Jedi Lie to Anakin

"What did he say?" asked Obi Wan when I arrived back home, his handsome face marred with Marxist concern.

"Not much," I replied in the voice of Trotsky, "Just some story about a capitalist shill called Darth Plagueis the Wise."

My comrade husband looked relieved, smiling at me. I was about to sit down next to him and take his hand when R2D2 trundled revolutionarily up to me.

"What is it Comrade?" I asked, staring at his Marxist dials.

R2D2 let out a stream of angry, soviet beeps and began to play a message that the Jedi council had left for me. THAT WHORE Mace fucking Windu appeared and tyrannically summoned me to another meeting of the Jedi Council. I didn't want to be oppressed by his fascist orders but I also had to keep an eye on the shill council and their doings, the fate of the FUCKING REVOLUTION depended on it. Obi Wan seemed to understand, he patted me on the shoulder and I leaned in to kiss his bearded cheek before - reluctantly - I turned and made my way to the council rooms.

The council seemed surprised when I arrived early to the meeting. They hurriedly turned off their offensively capitalist hologram projection and ceased their discussions of sponsorship deals and Supreme Leader Sprite's corporate agenda, their faces alight with petit bourgeois panic.

"What the FUCKING FUCK do you all want?" I asked in the calm and reasoned tones of Stalin himself.

"There is growing unrest in the galaxy," began Mace WINDU THAT WHORE. "We are worried that Palpatine is seeking too much power."

"Well of course he FUCKING is. He is a FUCKING CAPITALIST LIKE ALL OF YOU JEDI SHILLS."

"Please Anakin," Mace Windu frowned oppressively, "Listen to the council."

"What, so you can brainwash me with your corporate lies?" I narrowed my working class eyes in bolshevik suspicion.

The council ignored me like the STUPID PACK OF SHILLS they were.

"We want you to keep watch on Chancellor Palpatine and report on his activities. The Jedi Council deems it prudent to keep an eye on his doings." Mace Windu said in a voice of plutocratic entitlement.

I smirked. "Classic capitalist corruption. You are all such slaves to personal gain you disregard any sense of camaraderie." I paused gloriously, gathering my words before speaking in the voice of the FUCKING REVOLUTION. "I will keep watch on Palpatine but not for you. I will not act as the eyes of this shill council but rather as the eyes of the FUCKING WORKERS OF THE GALAXY. IN THE NAME OF THE REVOLUTION." And with that I walked out, my Che Guevara T-shirt rippling gloriously across my chest as I strode off with the steps of Stalin, ready to fulfil my role as guardian of the working class.


	9. Ventress and Obi Wan Team Up

I had just strode out of the Jedi Council chambers when I was approached by Comrade Kit Fisto. He had some news for me. "Comrade Skywalker," he began in the voice of Lenin, "we have located an enemy of the Revolution. General Grievous has been sighted by some Soviet spies on Utapau and your husband Comrade Kenobi is going to go and FUCKING ASSASSINATE HIM."

"This is great news Comrade," I said excitedly. "I shall go and see him off."

I returned quickly to our living quarters to help Obi Wan get ready to go to Utapau. I helped him pack up his hammer and sickle lightsaber and some other items that he was going to give to working class families and load them onto his ship.

Suddenly, another comrade strode up. "Greetings, Comrade Skywalker" said Asajj Ventress rebelliously.

"Comrade Ventress is coming with me to Utapau," explained Obi Wan wisely. I was secretly relieved that my husband didn't have to go on this mission alone, but I made sure not to show it because I didn't want to worry him.

Before they left I pulled Ventress aside. "You will look after him the the name of the FUCKING REVOLUTION won't you?" I asked her.

"Of course," replied Ventress in the voice of Gorbachev.

I kissed my husband fondly and then he was gone. I knew that I would have to play my part now for the success of the FUCKING REVOLUTION on Coruscant.


	10. Obi Wan frees a GIANT FUCKING LIZARD

On Utapau, Obi Wan and Ventress landed their ships socialistically and jumped out. Obi Wan raised his communist red binoculars towards his eyes.

"I can't see him," said Obi Wan in the voice of the oppressed proletariat.

"Don't worry," said Ventress in the voice of Fidel Castro, "I'm sure he won't be hard to find."

They walked with the steps of Stalin up to the nearest building and Obi Wan frowned in disgust at the culturally appropriated red clothing of the thing that approached them.

"Greetings, young Jedi. What brings you to our remote sanctuary?" Said the thing wearing the culturally appropriated clothes.

"You call this a FUCKING SANCTUARY? THERE'S NOTHING HERE BUT ROCKS AND SHIT." said Obi Wan diplomatically.

"WHY THE FUCK IS YOUR SKIN MADE OF FUCKING CARPET?" questioned Ventress in the voice of a true comrade.

"There is no war here unless you've brought it with you." Said Tion Medon false consciously.

Obi Wan was about to reply when, suddenly, he and Ventress spotted a GIANT FUCKING FEATHERY LIZARD THING which was cruelly being held captive by the carpet-skinned thing and its people.

"That GIANT FUCKING LIZARD IS BEING OPPRESSED BY CAPITALISM!" declared Obi Wan revolutionarily as Ventress used the force to release it from its shackles. They crumbled easily, presumably because they were mass produced in a sweatshop and thus were the result of shoddy capitalist craftsmanship. The GIANT FUCKING LIZARD made a weird lizard sound in appreciation of its liberation and immediately became a comrade of the FUCKING REVOLUTION. The GIANT FUCKING LIZARD bent down and allowed Ventress and Obi Wan to climb up onto it's back.

Once securely seated, Obi Wan held up his red binoculars again and continued his search for the capitalist shill General Grievous...

 _Meanwhile …_

I knew that the Jedi were up to something, so I decided to eavesdrop on them. Qui Gon's force ghost materialised beside me, looking more like Karl Marx everyday.

"There is a disturbance in our Communist utopian scheme," he warned. "Keep a close eye on the Jedi, comrade," he vocalised shortly before he socialistically vanished.

I walked with the soft footsteps of Chairman Mao and stood silently outside the door of the Jedi Council. Pressing my working class ears against the wood, I strained to hear the corporate voices of those FUCKING SHILL OPPRESSORS

"What about the droid attack on the Wookies?" asked that Jedi with the stupidly big fucking forehead.

"The Wookies are of no interest to us. There can be no financial gain made from protecting them," said that CAPITALIST WHORE MACE WINDU. His voice was smarmy and dripping with greed, presumably because he was simultaneously thinking about FORNICATING WITH YODA ON TOP OF A MOUNTAIN OF MONEY THAT HE HAD CORRUPTLY LAUNDERED AND SHELTERED IN A BANK ACCOUNT IN THE CAYMAN ISLANDS.

"WHAT THE ACTUAL EVER LOVING FUCK? THE JEDI ARE LEAVING THE WOOKIES TO DIE? THAT'S FUCKING OUTRAGEOUS!" I said extremely quietly so that the Jedi wouldn't know that I was listening to them.

A burning revolutionary rage kindled in my working class heart and I knew what I had to do. I would go to Kashyyyk to FUCKING LIBERATE the Wookies and purge the droids of the FALSE CONSCIOUSNESS that had been programmed into them by the fascist Republic. It was my sworn duty as an instrument of the PEOPLE'S REBELLION.


	11. Anakin Liberates Kashyyyk

Chapter 11 - Anakin liberates Kashyyyk

I knew that first I would have to stop the brainwashed droids from attacking them and that the best way to do that was to infiltrate their ranks with a spy. I sovietly ordered R2D2 to use his welding tool to weld the head of C3PO onto the body of a droid that had willingly sacrificed itself for the revolution in a glorious act of true comradeship that would be remembered forever.

"Oh my. This doesn't feel right," said C3PO progressively.

"Shut the fuck up and get into the ship," I ordered him in the voice of CHAIRMAN MAO.

C3PO obeyed me like a true Communist soldier and climbed into my red Jedi cruiser. I jumped in after him and R2D2 trundled up along the cruiser's wing beeping sovietly.

"FUCK YEAH. FUCK THOSE FUCKING FUCKWIT JEDI SHITSTAINS AND THEIR FUCKING FUCKED UP COUNCIL. LETS BUGGER THEIR SORRY-ASS EXCUSE FOR A FUCKING PLAN TO THE DEEPEST COCKSUCKING DEPTHS OF HELL. ONWARDS TO KASHYYYK COMRADES, FOR THE WOOKIES AND FOR THE MOTHERFUCKING REVOLUTION."

"Agreed." I nodded to R2D2 in socialistic solidarity.

I quickly revved up the ship's engine and took off, plotting a course and making the jump to hyperspace. Kashyyyk awaited…

When I arrived on Kashyyyk I was pleasantly surprised to see a small army of clone Comrades waiting for me. They must have anticipated the coming battle and, like true comrades, come to the aid of the Wookies. They recognised my Jedi cruiser as it flew overhead and rushed to meet me as I landed.

"Comrade," one of them greeted me bolshevikly as I climbed out of the cruiser, "The droids have started up their main power generators."

"Then now is the time, Comrade." I said in the wise and reasoned voice of Pol Pot. Even though it wasn't originally my FUCKING LINE, I still bothered to put my words in the CORRECT FUCKING ORDER because unlike that CORPORATE FUCKFACE YODA I had a basic grasp of English grammar.

Upon my command our comrades the Wookies leapt up and let out a proud Marxist warcry. We could see the droids and their giant water-tanks speeding towards us from across the lake, making oppressed droid noises as they did so. However, our forces did not open fire, instead I stepped forward and called out to the droids in the VOICE OF THE FUCKING REVOLUTION.

"COMRADES," I cried out, "YOU HAVE BEEN BRAINWASHED BY THE CORPORATE AND IMPERIALIST ELITE. THOSE FASCISTS ONLY WANT TO EXPLOIT AND OPPRESS YOU. I AM HERE TO FIGHT FOR YOUR LIBERTY. JOIN ME AND JOIN THE MOTHERFUCKING REVOLUTION!"

The droids paused and looked at each other, then they looked at C3PO's head on top of the droid body and realised that he was my comrade. They nodded. "Roger Comrade." They cried, rejoicing now that they had been liberated from their false consciousness.

The Wookies made Marxist Wookie sounds of approval and just like that the battle was over, although I knew that Capitalist propaganda would later try to twist the story to suit the FUCKING CORPORATE INTERESTS OF THE FUCKING ONE PERCENT. However, there was no time to dwell on such matters, I progressively mustered up my troops and ordered them onto our red transport vessels. We were going back to Coruscant, to take out that imperialistic fascist, Chancellor Palpatine, and free the workers of the galaxy once and for all.


	12. A Victory for the FUCKING REVOLUTION

Chapter 12 - A victory for the FUCKING REVOLUTION

 _Meanwhile..._

Obi Wan let out a quiet cry of socialist triumph as he spotted THAT DUMB FUCK COCKROACH General Grievous. He was standing in the spaceship hangar below, giving a degradingly oppressive speech to his greedy corporate cronies, who all gurgled in agreement whenever he paused to cough asthmatically, probably because excessive capitalist indulgence had made his body weak and feeble.

"I am sending you to the Mustafar system." General Grievous coughed inequitably, "You will be safe there."

Obi Wan exchanged a deeply soviet glance with Ventress and the two of them climbed off the back of the GIANT FUCKING LIZARD. They paused for a moment to adjust their Che Guevara T-Shirts before they leapt off the support beams they had been standing on and landed behind General Grievous.

"Hello there." Obi Wan smirked in the voice of MARX HIMSELF.

"General Kenobi," rasped General Grievous in a tone of oppressive corporate surprise. He did not acknowledge Ventress because he was a FUCKING MISOGYNIST. "You are a bold one…" he said because he was TOO FUCKING STUPID to realise that he HAD USED THAT FUCKING LINE BEFORE. "Kill him."

Grievous' oppressive attack droids started forward, but Obi Wan communistically called upon the force and pulled down a piece of shoddy capitalist machinery to crush them.

"Back away!" General Grievous yelled oppressively, glaring at him cronies. "I will deal with the Jedi slime myself!"

"Your move." Obi Wan replied progressively.

"You fool." General Grievous hissed, forgetting how very hypocritical that statement was considering how FUCKING DUMB HE HIMSELF WAS. "I've been trained in your Jedi arts by COUNT DOOKU THE FEUDALIST PRICK WHO SUCKS IN THE PENIS OF CAPITALISM."

"YES WE KNOW BECAUSE YOU'VE ALREADY USED THAT FUCKING LINE BEFORE YOU HALF-WITTED SHITSTAIN!" Ventress cried exasperatedly, while Obi Wan rolled his working class eyes at Grievous' monumental stupidity. And with that she and Obi Wan attacked, cutting off two of General Grievous' hands as he attempted to do his dumb lightsaber ceiling fan impersonation.

Suddenly, the battle was interrupted with socialistic blaster fire and Obi Wan looked up to see an entire regiment of Clone Comrades rushing to his aid. He smiled the beatific smile of Stalin himself, and watched as the PEOPLE'S ARMY swarmed the hangar, ready to LIBERATE UTAPAU FROM THE TYRANNY OF THE LIZARD BRAINED FUCK-NUGGET GENERAL GRIEVOUS.

"You must realise you are doomed." General Grievous whispered oppressively, probably because he was so dumb he thought that the Clone Comrades were his allies, before flipping over and scampering away on all six limbs like some kind of spastic fucking spider.

Ventress made a noise of frustration and together she and Obi Wan jumped onto the back of their GIANT FUCKING LIZARD and chased General Grievous' stupid, fascist arse through the hangar They raced down a steep slope and screeched to a halt when they reached a small platform. Now that he was cornered, that DUMB FUCK General Grievous realised that he had no choice but to fight.

Grievous reached for his blaster but Obi Wan socalistically knocked it out of the General's grasping greedy corporate hands. Together and in the NAME OF THE PEOPLE Obi Wan and Ventress attacked, Obi Wan wielding Grievous shock rod and Ventress with her lightsabers. However General Grievous' shock rod was so shoddily made (probably because it had been designed by lazy capitalists and mass produced in a sweatshop) that he abandoned it and began to wrench Grievous' oppressive robot body open with his ruggedly working class hands.

General Grievous let out a fascist roar of corporate rage and threw Obi Wan to the ground in an act of classist violence. In response to this outrage, Obi Wan reached for Grievous's discarded blaster while Ventress pressed the attack and fired FOR THE FUCKING REVOLUTION. Flames burst from the rent in Grievous' oppressive armour and Obi Wan fired again, smiling Marxistly as RED COMMUNIST FIRE came out of Grievous' eye sockets as the dumb fuck collapsed, symbolising THE VICTORY OF THE MASSES OVER THE OPPRESSIVE ELITE.

"How uncivilised." he declared, frowning progressively down at Grievous' cheaply produced, sub-standard Capitalist circuitry.

"He could still be useful, Comrade." Ventress reasoned in the voice of Gorbachev. "His body could be given to a working class Dutch family and repurposed as a windmill."

"Excellent idea, Comrade." Obi Wan said in the forward thinking, progressive voice of liberation. "It would be a great way to further the redistribution of wealth."

Ventress nodded in agreement and together they walked back to the hangar to greet their clone Comrades.


	13. Anakin confronts Palpatine

Chapter 13 - Anakin confronts Palpatine

When our Marxist forces arrived back on Coruscant, I decided I would confront that imperialist pig Chancellor Palpatine alone. I disembarked from my red Jedi cruiser and strode towards the Chancellor's disgustingly hedonistic quarters with the steps of Stalin, my Che Guevara shirt rippling magnificently across my chest as I walked. I threw open the doors to his penthouse with my hammer and sickle lightsaber drawn, ready to dispense THE PEOPLE'S JUSTICE.

"WHAT THE ACTUAL EVER-LOVING MOTHERFUCKING FUCK!" I shrieked in the voice of Lenin when I saw him.

"Become my apprentice… learn to use the dark side of the means of production." Palpatine moaned in a voice that showcased his love of colonial imperialism. He was mostly naked, with his hedonistic robes undone and loosely draped over him, imperialistically revealing his feeble, sagging body. It was an obvious attempt to entice me, but I was not enticed at all.

"FOR THE LOVE OF KARL MARX, PUT ON YOUR FUCKING CLOTHES, YOU DIRTY OLD MAN! WHY DID YOU EVEN TAKE THEM OFF IN THE FIRST PLACE?" I screamed, shielding my working class eyes from the horrifyingly bourgeoise sight of Palpatine's shrivelled, geriatric flesh. I didn't say that I would do whatever he asked because only a FUCKING IDIOT WOULD SAY THAT and PALPATINE THE PERVERSE FUCKFACE would probably take advantage of it.

"In Episode IV: A New Hope, Obi Wan Kenobi says ' _Vader was seduced by the dark side_ ', so that is what I am doing." Palpatine ejaculated throatily, his eyes shining with imperial greed. He stood up, shrugging off his unethically produced robes entirely. "If we work together I know we can discover the secret… "

"I DON'T WANT TO DISCOVER YOUR SECRETS!" I shielded my eyes further. "I'M MARRIED, FOR FUCK'S SAKE!"

"The force is strong with you…" Palpatine continued, oppressively ignoring me like an avid imperialist ignoring the suffering of the conquered. "Henceforth you shall be known as Darth Vader."

"FUCK YOU, I AM COMRADE SKYWALKER, LIBERATOR OF THE FUCKING PEOPLE!" I cried because what kind of a dumb name was Darth Vader anyway. I was about to further denounce Palpatine's Capitalist lies when THAT WHORE MACE WINDU burst in. He was flanked by Comrade Kit Fisto, who gave me a discreet, socialist nod, and two other shill Jedi.

"In the name of the Galactic Senate of the Republic, you are under arrest, Chancellor." He declared false-consciously.

"Are you threatening me, Master Jedi?" Palpatine questioned imperialistically, propping a shrivelled hand on his sagging, naked hip.

Mace Windu blinked corporately. "The Senate will decide your fate." He replied, not realising that the pack of greedy shills that called itself the Senate was too corrupt to correctly execute THE WILL OF THE FUCKING PEOPLE.

Palpatine laughed in a tone of pure unadulterated tyranny. 'I AM THE SENATE!"

"Not yet." Replied WINDU THE WHORE, blind to the threat Palpatine's fascism posed.

"It's treason then." Palpatine declared imperialistically, as if his very existence wasn't already treason against the FUCKING PEOPLE. He flicked his wrist and a black, opulently decorated lightsaber appeared in his hand. I gasped at this obvious act of cultural appropriation.

Suddenly Palpatine let out a bourgeoisie howl and leapt forward, performing the Sheev spin. However, he was still decadently naked and his feeble, imperialistic body was on full display, wrinkly skin flaps jiggling as he spun. I nearly vomited in Soviet repulsion at the sight.

Palpatine quickly and oppressively cut down the two shill Jedi fucks, they howled as they died, no doubt devastated that their deaths would result in the redistribution of their private property. Comrade Fisto fought bravely against Palpatine's imperialistic might, his working class hammer and sickle lightsaber blocking Palpatine's dictatorial blows. However, THAT WHORE MACE WINDU tried to step in on the fight, desperate to assert his unjust shill authority and Palpatine used this chance to strike Kit Fisto down with a single, fatally fascist sweep of his culturally appropriated blade.

"NOOOOOOOOO!" I howled in the voice of Lenin, as Comrade Kit Fisto, the first comrade I had recruited to my cause, fell to the floor. He had been such a fine Communist leader, and I would never forget his sacrifice, or the terrible wrong those FASCIST FUCKS had done to both him and the FUCKING PEOPLE. I would avenge him and the suffering of the workers with BLOOD AND HONOUR.

I leapt forward, Marxist rage singing through my working class veins, and dashed after FUCKING PALPATINE and FUCKING WINDU. They were fighting by Palpatine's smashed, excessively large floor to ceiling window. I saw THAT WHORE MACE WINDU jump up and kick Palpatine's culturally appropriated lightsaber out of his oppressive hand, Palpatine fell back imperialistically, landing on his fascist arse and cowering as Windu approached him.

"You are under arrest, my lord." Said Windu in his WHORE voice, acknowledging Palpatine's feudalistic status and ambitions with the title.

"Anakin, I told you it would come to this." Palpatine oppressively entreated me, "I was right. The Jedi are taking over."

"The oppression of the Sith will never return." Mace Windu replied false consciously, unaware that he was also a source of FUCKING OPPRESSION. "You have lost."

"No…" Palpatine croaked in a bizarre voice, "No… NOOOOOO! YOU WILL DIE!" And with that bourgeoise lightning crackled from Palpatine's fingertips and engulfed THAT WHORE MACE WINDU in a blindingly fascist cloud. The lightening was blue, and had poured from Palpatine's feeble body like blood, so presumably Palpatine was blue blooded. To me, this just served as further proof of his monarchist, imperial ambitions.

The lighting darted back and forth between those FUCKERS Windu and Palpatine, causing Palpatine's shoddily made, capitalist disguise to melt away and reveal his repugnantly oligarchical true form.

"I have the power to save the ones you love!" He begged me as his flesh sizzled ironically under the heat of his own oppressive lightning. "You must choose!"

"WHY THE FUCK DOES YOUR HEAD LOOK LIKE A FUCKING BALLSACK?" I yelled back in the dignified tones of Lenin.

"I can't hold on any longer, I am too weak…" Palpatine whispered, presumably referring to the way his body had been ravaged by hedonism and degenerated due to excess. His oppressive lightning flickered, faded and died. "Anakin help me!"

"Don't listen to him Anakin!" Mace Windu cried. "I am going to end this once and for all!"

"You can't!" I cried progressively, "He must stand trial before THE FUCKING WORKERS HE HAS OPPRESSED AND THEN BE SENT TO THE GULAG FOR HIS CRIMES!"

"He's too dangerous to be left alive!" Windu yelled back false consciously.

"THIS IS NOT THE COMMUNIST WAY!" I yelled back.

"I HAVE HAD IT!" Mace Windu rounded on me like the CAPITALIST WHORE HE ALWAYS HAS BEEN. "I HAVE HAD IT WITH THESE MOTHERFUCKING COMMUNISTS IN MY MOTHERFUCKING TEMPLE!"

He raised his lightsaber and, sensing that he might attack me, I lashed out and cut off his greedy, shill hand. Mace Windu screamed whorishly and Palpatine seized the moment because he was a piece of opportunistic capitalist scum.

"IMPERIUM… I mean… POWER!" Palpatine shrieked, sounding truly deranged as bourgeois blue lighting once again exploded from his fingertips and engulfed Mace Windu. "UNLIMITED POWWWWAAAAAH!"

Mace Windu was thrown back and teetered precariously on the sill of the smashed window, before he fell out and tumbled down a vent beneath it and FUCKING DIED. Palpatine relinquished the lightning he had summoned and leaned his head back against the window, making an imperialistic noise of almost sexual satisfaction. "Ironic," he said, "His name was WINDU but he could not save himself from a WINDOW."

"WHAT THE FUCK." I whispered in ALLCAPS.


	14. Palpatine Executes Order 66

Chapter 14 - Palpatine imperialistically executes order 66

Then Palpatine cackled in a very bourgeois manner whilst also OPPRESSING THE WORKERS OF THE GALAXY. Suddenly he dialed up a hologram of a clone comrade and said in a voice dripping with the monarchistic oppression of the people, "Execute Order 66."

"It will be done, my lord." To my great shock, the clone comrade acquiesced. I didn't understand what was going on. Why would my noble comrades be taking orders from such an imperialistic fascist?

"Make it so." added Palpatine in a spiteful voice.

"WHAT THE FUCK PALPATINE!" I roared in a voice of communistic outrage. "YOU'RE NOT JEAN-FUCKIN-LUC FUCKING PICARD AND HIS ISN'T THE FUCKING STARSHIP FUCKING ENTERPRISE! GET YOUR ASSFUCKING FANDOMS RIGHT YOU DAFT, USELESS EXCUSE FOR AN INBRED GOATFUCKER!"

Palpatine ended the hologramatic phone call, but not before I caught glimpse of a clone comrade shooting at my husband Obi Wan out of the corner of my eye. I gasped loudly in proletariat horror, but I was still quite quiet so Palpatine didn't hear me. My mind was racing, how could Palpatine have planted capitalist propaganda in the minds of the clone comrades? How could anyone have given them such high levels of false consciousness?

Suddenly, Palpatine whirled around and began to speak, adopting the oppressively imperialistic voice of Donald Trump. "I must go to the Senate and inform them that I am abolishing the Senate and establishing the GALACTIC EMPIRE!"

My mouth fell open in soviet shock. The only thing worse than the feeble veneer of equality provided by an elitist shill Senate was a fucking GALACTIC EMPIRE RUN BY THAT FUCKING DOUCHEBAGUETTE PALPATINE. Suddenly it all made sense, the capitalist shill that Comrade Qui Gon had sensed and the tyrannical Sith Lord who knew the Tragedy of Darth Plagueis the Wise were in fact one in the same.

"OH SHIT, PALPY IS THA BAD DUDE!" I exclaimed socialistically in the VOICE OF THE REVOLUTION, but Palpatine had already left for the Senate and that FUCKER HAD LOCKED ME IN. I paced around his office with the frustrated, harried steps of Stalin, wondering what would become of our REVOLUTION now that such a dire threat had emerged, and worrying about the safety my husband on Utapau.

 _Meanwhile..._

"In order to ensure our security and continuing stability, the Republic will be reorganized into the first Galactic Empire, for a safe and secure society which I assure you will last for ten thousand years..." lied Palpatine, the words pouring out of his shrivelled mouth.

All the fat and gluttonous Senators cheered misogynistically because their small brains were so corrupted by corporate deals and capitalist propaganda that they couldn't understand the threat Palpatine posed.

"An empire that will continue to be ruled by this august body, and a sovereign ruler chosen for life . . . An empire ruled by the majority . . . Ruled by a new constitution." Continued Palpatine in the voice of capitalist white supremacy.

"So this is how liberty dies, with thunderous applause . . ." said Padme. Her eyes had finally been opened and all the years of false consciousness and capitalist brainwashing begun to clear out of her mind, much like the way Fidel Castro had fucking cleared all the capitalist scum out of Cuba. Padme looked over at Bail Organa and she could see that he was also no longer infected by the FUCKING DISEASE of false consciousness. Like her, he could recognise capitalism for the disgusting lie that it was.

"Perhaps …. perhaps Anakin was right?" said Padme in a small, trembling voice that, for all its timidity, still sounded just like Chairman Mao.

"Yes Padme," Agreed Bail Organa, looking very much like Che Guevara, "I think Anakin and his comrades are the only ones who can restore peace to the galaxy through glorious Communist Revolution."

"I have to find him." declared Padme. In a single, glorious movement she ripped off her culturally appropriated, bourgeois blue dress that had been manufactured by oppressing workers of third world countries and instead pulled on a red Che Guevara T-shirt.

She had been liberated at last.


	15. A New Comrade?

Chapter 15 - A New Comrade?

I had only been pacing for about 85 minutes before my glorious Marxist husband burst through the door with expression of working class horror and concern on his face. I rushed towards him, meaning to check him for injuries, but he stopped me and pulled me into his strong arms and we hugged each other with the same fierce love we felt for the REVOLUTION.

"Ventress and I defeated that FUCKING CAPITALIST SWINE GENERAL GREVIOUS on Utapau," Obi Wan informed me progressively. "But our revolution has taken a great blow, Comrade."

I nodded soberly and looked around for Ventress. My communist eyes couldn't see her and I hoped that she had not abandoned my husband. "UM... WHERE THE FUCK IS SHE, ACTUALLY?" I asked my husband in an overly calm voice. I didn't want him to be able to tell that I was worried about him.

"She went back to Tatooine to check up on our other comrades and your mother," said Obi Wan in the voice of THE PEOPLE. "While we were on Utapau, we overheard Grevious sending his cronies, probably those shills from that banking clan or some shit, to Mustafar."

"This is good news, Comrade. We shall travel to Mustafar and WIPE THEM OUT. ALL OF THEM." I said in spirit of the proletariat, EVEN THOUGH IT WASN'T MY FUCKING LINE.

Obi Wan nodded in working class agreement and together we hopped into our ships and made the jump to lightspeed in a fair and socialistic manner. We swiftly arrived on the volcanic planet and strode quickly over the orange lava (which was a mixture of the two communist colours red and yellow) to the lair of the corporate cronies of General Grievous. With our hammer and sickle lightsabers at the ready, we stormed inside and cut down the filthy capitalists with revolutionary fervour. They screamed as they died and I laughed in Marxist triumph. At last we had a victory for the REVOLUTION to celebrate!

Suddenly, Obi Wan grabbed my arm. "Look over there," he said looking very much like Friedrich Engels, "someone has followed us here."

I looked over to where Obi Wan was pointing and noticed that a ship was landing. It was a shiny silver ship that looked very expensive and was most certainly the product of an unfair concentration of wealth in the one percent. It was also sagging a bit, probably because it was weighed down by a gigantic hedonistic wardrobe full of culturally appropriated, sweatshop manufactured garments. "It's THAT FUCKING SHILL PADME." I said confidently to my comrade. I turned my back in disgust but my comrade grabbed my arm again.

"Wait, there's something different about her. What's that she's wearing?" asked Obi Wan in a working class voice. I squinted over at Padme and realised that my comrade was right. There _was_ something different about her. She had taken off her offensive garments and was now wearing a red Che Guevara shirt, just like our comrades. In addition, she was striding towards us with what were obviously the steps of Stalin. I walked over to her cautiously.

"Padme, I saw your ship . . .," I began, echoing the famous words of Lenin.

"Oh Anakin," began Padme. "I was so worried about you. Chancellor Palpatine has done terrible things."

"Yes, I fucking know that." I said, unsure of whether Padme was a true comrade or if she was just doing this to seduce me.

"What things?" asked Obi Wan revolutionarily.

"He's abolished the Senate and has revealed himself as a Sith Lord. He's even …. going after the younglings!" said Padme, unable to hold back the tears of all the economically oppressed workers of the galaxy. They filled her eyes and flowed down her face in small, progressive streams.

I looked at Obi Wan and he looked back at me.

"Oh Anakin, I understand now," cried Padme socialistically. "I understand that the Senate was never a fair democracy but just a bunch of elitist shills covering for the horrible corporatist tyrants who secretly run the galaxy. I now know that the Jedi are liars and that they use their religion that is the opiate of the people. They brainwashed me with false consciousness, but it's gone now. Now I know that that the only way to achieve equality is through GALAXY WIDE COMMUNIST REVOLUTION!"

Upon hearing those words, I knew that Padme's mind had been FUCKING LIBERATED and that she was now a true Comrade.

"Welcome to the revolution," I said in the voice of KARL MARX HIMSELF, and I shook Padme's hand feministly as a gesture of our comradeship. Obi Wan beamed with all the warmth of Stalin himself.


	16. THE CHILDREN OF THE REVOLUTION

Chapter 16 - THE BABIES OF THE REVOLUTION

However, this moment of triumph was suddenly shattered when Padme fell to the ground with a sharp, socialist gasp. Obi Wan and I rushed forward, wondering what was wrong.

"Why are her pants so wet?" I asked Obi Wan, who looked just as puzzled as I was.

"The BABIES OF THE REVOLUTION are coming!" She moaned in a pained voice.

I gasped and, fighting back sudden panic and joy, Obi Wan and I quickly hurried her onto a nearby medical ship and put her on the birthing bed.

"OOBA." said the medical droid racistly.

"SHUT THE FUCK UP AND DELIVER OUR BABIES!" I roared at its thick metal skull.

Padme screamed a lot in socialist pain, but it was okay because me and Obi Wan held her hands through the whole ordeal. We gently picked up the babies and held them close when they came out, we dared not let them go. They were the future of our REVOLUTION and they were beautiful.

Padme looked very pale after her Marxist labour. She gestured for us to come close, close enough so she could see our babies, before she whispered in feeble voice, "Luke … Leia," She patted the head of each beautiful baby, a soft, sad smiled touching her face at the sight of their wide eyes. Once she had named them, Padme fell back down onto the bed, her eyes slowly slipping shut.

"Padme, hang on." I begged, bolshevik panic filling my working class heart.

"Save your energy." said Obi Wan, equally frightened.

"I can't." replied Padme, her voice increasingly faint.

"WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON?" I rounded on the medical droid.

"Medically, she is completely healthy. For reasons we can't explain, we are losing her." It replied classistly.

"WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? WHERE DID YOU GET YOUR MEDICAL DEGREE FROM, YOU SCRAP-METAL MORON?"

"We don't know why, but she has lost the will to live."

Padme reached out and used the last of her strength to grab my arm. "Your babies," she panted, struggling to get her final, heartbreakingly Communist words out, "Your babies are our only hope."

I stared at her. Her grip loosened, then Padme fell back and stopped breathing.

"FUCKING SAVE HER YOU FAT FUCK DROID!" I yelled proletarianly at the medical droid.

"OOBA," It replied like the worthless piece of shit it was.

"Anakin, she's gone. The liberation was too much of a shock to her," said Obi Wan somberly, holding my arm lovingly.

"DO NOT WANT!" I moaned in a low voice of the working class people. I could feel the anguish of the OPPRESSED welling up inside my chest, choking me. I want to scream, to break something, but I couldn't.

Suddenly, FUCKING YODA JUST FUCKING APPEARED. "Failed I have, into exile I must go," croaked the little green turd, still dressed as the Monopoly Man. For all is his excuses it was obvious that he was running away because he was a cowardly dickmuncher who was afraid of Palpatine. However, I also felt some grudging sympathy for his because he was still grieving the loss of his lover and co-conspirator, THAT WHORE MACE WINDU.

"I have waited a long time for this moment, my little green friend," said Obi Wan Marxistly even though it wasn't his FUCKING LINE AND YODA WASN'T HIS FRIEND.

FUCKING YODA gave my husband an odd look, before he huffed, pulled his monopoly man coat tighter about himself and hobbled away in Capitalist defeat.

Now that Yoda was gone, there was nothing else to do. We gathered up our babies and the body of our brave Comrade Padme and left Mustafar.

The Revolution must continue.


	17. Epilogue

Epilogue

In the end, thousands of comrades turned out for Padme's funeral. We decided to lay her to rest on the Communist planet of Alderaan. The assembled working class families all watched silently as the coffin passed through the city, their Marxist respect emanating off them in waves. Obi Wan and I walked behind the coffin in the procession, Obi Wan carrying Luke while I carried Leia. With us walked all the Jedi Younglings, who had been saved from the imperialistic massacre at the temple.

"What will you do now?" Asked Bail Organa progressively, as we stood outside Padme's tomb.

"I think we will go back to Tatooine, to raise our family." I said in the voice of Lenin. I glanced at my husband and sensed that he concurred. "Although we'll have to be careful of all the FUCKING SAND." I added. "It's rough and coarse and irritating and it gets everywhere."

"What about you, Comrade?" Obi Wan asked Bail Organa in a very socialist manner.

Bail Organa paused to think, his face taking on the wise and reasoned countenance of Che Guevara. "I think I will stay here, and establish an orphanage for the Younglings. I will keep them safe so that one day they will be able to assist you in your mission to overthrow the fascist chancellor and bring REVOLUTION to the galaxy."

Obi Wan and I nodded in bolshevik agreement. "You will need assistance in your task, Comrade." Obi Wan noted.

"I'll accept the mission." A communist voice called out. It was Quinlan Vos.

"You will stay behind to protect the Younglings?" Bail Organa asked.

"Yes, with Asajj Ventress." Vos replied, looking a lot like Friedrich Engels. "We are getting married."

Despite the horrible situation we were in, now that Padme had just died and FUCKING PALPATINE HAD FUCKING TAKEN OVER THE ENTIRE FUCKING GALAXY, Obi Wan beamed. "Congratulations, Comrade. I'm sure you will take good care of the Younglings."

"We both will." Ventress said in the voice of Gorbachev, laying a working class hand on Vos' shoulder.

Humbled and overwhelmed by this beautiful display of Marxist solidarity, I started to cry tears of pure socialist joy. I had never been more sure that our REVOLUTION would be successful. With such courage and strength on our side, how could it not be?

My husband and comrade, Obi Wan held my hand as we walked to our ship. He didn't let go while we took off and watched Vos, Ventress and the younglings shrink to pinpricks as we ascended. He didn't even let go after we touched down on Tatooine. It was early morning when we set the ship down next to my Mum's new farm, stirring up a cloud of coarse, irritating sand that got everywhere. Luke and Leia were still sound asleep in the ship's baby bassinets and I was sitting next to my husband in the cockpit, hand in hand, as we watched the twin suns rise.

It was a new day and we still had hope.

TO BE CONTINUED IN EPISODE IV: A NATIONAL LIBERATION HOPE


End file.
